emptiness

I have always been a giver, warm and loving. Even as a child I never cried, seeking to make others happy. Often people sought me in times of trouble and I gave all I had – my whole heart and showered love upon them. Even as a kid adults leant on me, told me of their woes and I was their spark of light. Yet when my time to suffer came, when my world was a hurricane of ice, every light but one switched off. All of them offered a skinny love, shallow and brief, before finding a reason to excuse their flight. But maybe that’s the way it had to be, one light to follow, no choice but to walk toward love and truth. Perhaps the road toward universe feels like limbo. Because I can tell you I never felt more empty in mind, body or soul, never so bereft of any comfort. I have never felt so worthless or disposable, never so wretched and cold. For hours I would have no emotion, only an urge to move fast; then all at once I’d be on the floor, shaking with a grief that bled from my bones. Days became weeks and months, and in every single moment of every single day my soul asked to the sky why I must still live. He said, “Because you will do great things. So live, breathe, walk.” Moments of emptiness still come like an ambush, yet in company of a true friend a real smile can return, a real laugh, real warmth. I can’t give much yet, I’m still too empty, but at least now, I think I know who has the right to receive. I know who is safe.
I think I had to learn how to fill myself before I could get out on the road and look for new perspectives.