“Important Announcement! I’m looking for my love!! Those who can help please call me at (410) 223-1649 xxx. unreliable people please refrain!”
These are the unspoken words of my heart and perhaps of other thousands of women worldwide (who count intro billions).
Now, when you read these lines, stop a bit, make peace in your heart and think for a moment about me … ” I’m looking for my love”, these are the only words floating over my deception and my tears while under my eyes, lines and words in a sms come with the quickness: “You know, I feel lost and I think it would be better to stay single for a while, I need to rinse my thoughts. Hopefully this will fix the problem I have with myself as soon as possible, because I miss you so much! love you!”
No, no no!!! You cannot! Today it is our anniversary… You are so far away and this love we have it is the only thing that bind us and by which we can communicate!!
I stopped in the lobby to read SMS again as I do every time when he is writing me. I feel like time has literally stood still! I froze in the middle of the hall with crisp eyes, hands frozen on the phone even though outside was 27 degrees. For a few seconds, all I hear it is just the heartbeat galloping wildly in my chest. I only see a long line of statements that we would make one to the other in that evening.. it was our day .. “unfortunately I do not know when my heart will be fixed, because it’s not from me so I can fix it, I love you and I miss you!”
I slowly looked up and two tears slowly roll down my cheeks. A knot in my throat and my voice refused to obey. I want to take my shoes and to leave the house.
Street… people are too “in a rush” to see the pain on my face and the tears in my eyes.. From time to time someone looks me like they know and try to comfort me ”do not worry … this will end soon, he knows you are the one...”
We live in a world where the oligophrenic system urges us to survive at all costs but nobody teach us how to get over a feeling of disappointment and sadness.
The hours passed away and so on the day… I have the same feelings and I try to keep myself to not collapse. Already passed so many hours, dozens of hours that I thought were forever … I feel him here, so close to me, like… as if he know the numbers of my tears.
“My love, I am thinking about you, I know… you are not well, but this will pass away… I love you!”
Who can help me? I am searching for my love, it is our anniversary and I want to tell him how much I love him… I love him because he gave me an extremely free and unusual relationship, alive, full of sense … I decided to follow him… I could not ask for anything in return and he gave himself to me in a relationship just ours.
I am still looking out the window after two days and a half, while in my mind are screwed the same words …” I’m looking for my love! is our day and I want to tell him that I love him!” Time is running under the sill, even though I feel that stopped to see my anger. I do not even know what hurts more, the fact that I cannot communicate with him and I did not manage to tell him that I love him, or the fact that I can not find anyone to take a minute of silence to hear my story and to help me to unload of all this sadness. I know sometimes it’s so hard to shut up when someone is talking, it’s so hard to stay when everybody leaves, to give a minute of silence for a sad love story …. Hours (converted into days) passed away, I am still stuck somewhere as if I am waiting for something to happen … I feel like an eternity has passed since I do not know anything about him and… “my love, do not be worried, I am thinking about us all the time, my heart it is all yours, I will come soon, I love you!”
It is raining… I am watching the wind… spreading the rain drops on my face and on the window, on the ground already wet.. I am thinking about him. All this suffering.. and… this rain. I know.. he is guilty, for everything, he came into my life when I had lost all the hope. He warmed my heart making me feel things I did not know that I can feel … I love him! And I am still waiting… I know, he will come, he will come…